The moment you have to announce that we are with child, all be damned if every pain in the ass in the nearest one hundred feet has to to tell you about every crappy thing that has happened, that the have seen or what they have heard. Not to mentioned the satanic Baby Story shows on TLC and other God-forsaken networks. They track down the most F-ed up pregnancies and follow them along. Christina claims she is glued to them because of the happy endings. Well, the last 20 seconds of happiness is not enough to untie my stomach from the square knot it became and doesn’t do anything for the overactive imagination that has now kicked into overdrive.
The fools dictating this crap to you in “helpful” anecdotes and the worshippers of the F-ed up Baby Stories all claim that all the worry is erased the moment you have the baby in your arms. Unless your words are extra strength Xanax then my panic attacks will only increase in intensity with the lingering nightmares over the next X number of months. Thanks for the memories.
Enter in Lamaze classes. The propaganda given out to all new parents is that this is the ticket to birthing nirvana. No matter the method you choose to pop out the kid this is the aural instructional manual for the peace and calm you seek. So we pack up the pillows and drive down to seek our birthing Buddha.
We got the request new age foo-foo music, I expected that. But then all hell breaks loose. Somewhere between the raised cervix handout, the description of the “ring of fire” and the life sized baby doll being squeezed through the life size pelvis mock up that was previous being bent in half to demonstrate the loosing of joints somebody replaced all the oxygen in the room with lead. Not mention thee pair of vise grips attached to my skull. I had the distinct feeling that I was going to plant my face into the cheap carpet as the next demonstration. Thank the Lord for bathroom breaks. Relaxation exercises and more foo-foo music merely kept the panic attack at bay for the rest of the night. Of course, as a member of the church of Baby Story, Christina was completely reassured by the whole experience. What the hell?
Revenge came in Lamaze round two. The one thing universally warned about this Lamaze shindig is the crazy videos. With full seventies style soft-porn bush and music that makes want to raise devil horns and bang your head at a Yanni concert, they are the very definition of gratuitous detail. Well, the warnings are valid. Matter of fact they don’t quite cover it. I do believe the sound of the water break and splashing the nurse that happened to be staring up the crotch of an ugly Farrah Fawcett double will never leave my memory. But something happened. Having seen the real deal, I began to chill out. The saccharin versions with the over hyped drama on Baby Story were complete crap. The real thing is decide grosser but it was okay. That was no the story for Christina. She walked out of the place with a look of shock, more like the look of someone that was just kicked in the head by a horse.
I did not realize how it messed her up until time gave me the great opportunity to say and then try to defend a couple of moronic and definitely male statements. I do believe her breaking point was the blood spurt at the glorious moment in the second chapter or maybe the camera angle that made “it” look like it was open enough to fit a small television in. A quick call of reassuring from her mother and my repenting of every retarding thing I have said since “doing this to her” I think we might be game for the next round.
We are going to have to “pee” through the next movie though.
I read your description of the Lamaze class. Sounds like too many videos and visual stuff and not enough instructions on what you can do to help. I took classes before you were born. I was expected to go and was signed up by the doctor. My instructor was cool. She had 4 children and spoke a lot from experience. First point was that labor hurts and we were to take our pain medicine when needed. The nurses might note that the mother needed pain medicine and offer it. We were told to accept because we could focus better and do better with the contractions. I immediately accepted meds when offered and it helped. The meds do not make the mother sleepy just comfortable. The breathing exercises really do help- gave me something to do besides think about pain and they did help relax me. If you are going to stay with her through the whole labor, you will need the classes to show you how to help her and helps you know what to expect. Don’t sweat the videos, just pay attention to the huff and puff part of the class and the tour of the delivery room is good. Just remember- everyone loves to tell their war stories and if you get several mothers together and a new pregnant woman is present, the war stories will come out. Just ignore. All three of you will be fine. The huff and puff part of the classes really do help. So much for my unsolicited advice. Love, Mom