My Predictions for the iPhone

June 9, 2008

I figured I would add my non-punditry punditry to the iPhone prediction cacophony. It has been the main topic on every tech news site, blog, podcast ad nauseum. I just figured it should contain one more round of ridiculous predictions from someone that has no friggin clue as to what is actually gonna happen. Well with out further noise, here they are:

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong - Pundits have taken the approach of tossing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks. In the mean time we have been bored to death with the same argument of ~~faked~~ leaked photos and mysterious boxes. What it really means is untold thousands whacky predictions that will never be mentioned again in the rush to prove how they had it right or that they have a deeper zen like insight to the new one. I think they should start keeping a rolling tally of the rumors they spew, maybe a percentage rate. Never mind, they would probably add social network too it, comments complete with the request comment trolls and fantastically complicated but lucrative ways to game the system.
Fanboys Unite, We Need a Costume - Unless there is a delayed launch in order to reignite the mass hysteria long lines that was iPhone 1.0, the miles of lines probably won’t be there, . But the fanboys will be crawling out of every crack in the universe. Outdoor cafes will once again be inundated with phrases like ” Wait, I can look that up on my iPhone” or new ones like “No, it is the neewww iPhone”. iPhone 2.0 users will be forgoing the cases for at least a week to make sure they are spotted with the newest model.
Developers, Developers, Developers - I don’t do code. I just buy other peoples junk. But the conversation of the moment will be the “new” platform this Wundervorrichtung [wonder device, used german to up the intellectual punditry] brings to the world. They will speak as if the latest messiah has crawled from the loins of its virginal vessel. And we will eat it up. Macbreak Weekly needs to become become Apple Phone Show 2.0 in ~~recognition~~ celebration. And somewhere there is the distant cry that unless there are a crap loads of games that blow your underwear off, it will be a flaming, idiotic fail. [Dork]
$$$$$$ - There will be talk of money for weeks. Apple stock, AT&T stock, sales figures, revenues, profits, subscribers, subsidies, Apple store versus AT&T stores, yadda yadda yadda. I really don’t care if it isn’t my money, in my pocket. At the end of it all would be the one naysaying pundit that reminds us that they are still single digit of any given market.
I Won’t Have One - If it is not painfully obvious that this cynical nonsense is actually iPhone envy. I would don the costume and wait in line with the rest of the yahoos if the Cheap Bastard [the wife] would let me toss down a paycheck for one. I would suffer at least a handle of concussions and a broken nose surfing the web [showing off] while walking down the sidewalk. The last four points available on my license would be gone by months time due to a reckless driving charge from looking for directions to my house from my job that I have owned for 5 years and worked at for 4 respectively.