Welch versus …

March 6, 2007

The Water Heater

The water has been on the offensive for the past two weeks. Started last week. Christina won an amazing battle with an exploding pipe. Seems that one of the pipes leading water into the monster burst, spewing water (thankfully cold) all over the laundry room. Without losing her cool (that comes later) she blasted through the Depot, found the right pipe and presto change-o water ran again. But…
Unbeknownst to us we, the water took this opportunity to sabotage itself. Better still it was a sneak attack. Two or three days later, well after I have already left for work, Christina wakes to take a shower. Miserable, nasty surprise: no hot water. Apparently the water from the explosion shorted something out. Add a cranky Sam and other things not going as planned we have the perfectly orchestrated freak out moment. After 94 unsuccessful phone calls to my phone, she amps it up.
Now, what would I be able to do at this point. I am at work with a bazillion things happening to me at the time. I didn’t answer the phone because one was dead and I was no where near the other. And thirty minutes away and busy, I could not provided hot water at all. What the hell was I supposed to do anyway. (yes, women, that was and is a dumb statement and should never be said at such moments)
Needless to say, when I did get to returning her call (side note, the message given by a coworker didn’t relay the urgency she soon expressed) Christina provided an aural example of the original water pipe explosion. The only good of this was that it was loud enough to be heard by all in the room, one of which was my boss man. This allowed me to duck duty for the last half hour and hurry home to tell Christina I didn’t have a solution.
After some consults (Christina called her handy father) I set out to check things out. I spend that evening flipping every obligatory switch, breaker, reconnect every visible wire, look over every pipe and valve. I come to the conclusion I don’t know what it is and look for prices on new water heaters.
Advice comes from the original consult, check the elements and electrical guts. New dilemma. I need to use a volt meter for this one. Mine is broken. I, of course, had bought the cheapest one the rack originally. It had the most things you could do for the buck but it was not what you would classify as accurate. The needle moved rather randomly at times. Also, I had been the subject of ridicule about the size of my meter. Men are sensitive to this. We don’t react well to another man looking at our meter and decrying it small or not really functional. Armed with a true need and pre-existing meter issue I set out for the first trip to the Depot the next morning. I find a large meter, that feels substantial in my hands and believe would make look more like a real man. (I still subscribe to the “it is not the size of your meter but where you stick the probe” philosophy)
Now I dissect the electrical workings of the evil being. It is actually pretty simple. It made feel a little smart. I quickly find that one of the elements is not working and as it is a two element heater coupled with my rudimentary and incomplete knowledge of electricity form high school physics I deduce that this is the culprit. Newly confident, I march back to the Depot to buy my self the two element and thermometer kit that is definitely cheaper than a new water heater.
After a few curse words and use of increasingly larger wrenches I wrest the old bits out and slap in the new bits. Wait thirty minutes and presto Hot Water.
We rejoiced.
Too soon.
“One last trick up my sleeve” cries the Water Heater. The evil bugger creates a tiny pin hole leak. Of course I find this at one o’clock in the morning of a work day. I resort to duct tape. Yes, I know. I noticed it doesn’t work with leaky pipes. Next day the place has 3 feet of water and a new project.
Have no fear, I had this one. Years of brass instrument repair make for a few copper pipe welding skills. But here was the kicker. I head to the Depot. Find the parts, $5. Cool. But then I realize I do not possess the necessary items to attached said parts. Tools, another $25.
Room full of water … Free
Parts to fix pipe … $5
Tools to fix parts … $25
Hot Water … priceless

We are done for the day now and enjoy hot water. If it attacks again I am taking it to the scrap metal joint and going green with on demand hot water heater. The bastard better keep that in mind. “You are expendable Water Heater, I can replace you” cries the home owner.